Dear Amazed!
We apologize for taking so long to respond to your submission. We appreciate your submission to our blog but we must decline your post. The purpose of our blog is forgiveness, and while you may have forgiven the abused for forgiving her abuser (which you think is wrong) the way you went about it might be offensive to others and we would like to avoid such conflict. We believe that forgiveness is strictly allowing the past transgressions of another person who has victimized you to remain in the past and stay there. It about letting the pain and hatred and anger in your heart out so that you can go on with your life and future. It isn’t to say that what that was person did was right. It is not to say that the abuser was no completely wrong. It is simply to say that what happened cannot be changed and dwelling on the event or actions will only hurt the victim, not the abuser.
This summer my childhood has haunted me. As a five year old, I was sexually used by my neighbor and even now, fourteen years later I can remember everything as if it had happened yesterday. I can still see the place, and smell everything. I can still remember how it all felt…
and how I was confused about what was going on. I remember not wanting to do what he asked, but he said, “It’s okay, my daughter lets me do it all the time.”. I remember wondering if Chelsea’s mom was okay with this. It didn’t seem right, but he said that it was, he said it was normal. So I let him do what he wanted. After he was done, he gave a freezy and told me not to tell anyone, not even my parents. This was going to be our little joke. How sick!
Sometime later my family was sitting in our living room and I jokingly told them what he had done to me. My parents were shocked! They had many questions about what had happened and if he had done it more often. I didn’t understand why they were so upset, it was our little joke. My family was quite new to Canada, and didn’t know how to deal with this situation at all. I remember moving away a short time later and wondering why. Now I realize it was the only way my parents knew how to get away from the situation at the time.
I was told not to tell anyone; in my culture to be sexually unpure is one of, if not, the greatest sin, regardless of method. So for fourteen years I kept it inside, for years I still didn’t understand what he had done to me. What he had stolen from me. When I finally came to the understanding of what had happened I became very angry. And for five years now, I have been angry. I have hated this man. I have hated him for what he has done to me, to my family, and to my future husband. I have wanted terrible terrible things for this man. I have not been the person I should have been toward him. As Christians, we are commanded to love everyone, even our enemies. But I have been justifying my anger, saying that this is something that will effect me for the rest of my life, for it is something that cannot be undone. I have used the excuse of all the pain he has caused me. I have wanted nothing more than to look him in the eye and tell him how much I want nothing more than pain for him.
Coming home from college this summer has brought much of my childhood back to memory. And this is the memory I have struggled with the most. All of the anger and hurt that I thought was gone has returned. But now I realize, I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to keep letting this hurt me. I am tired. I have come to realize that the only way I can stop feeling this way is to forgive him. Forgive the tears shed, the self abuse, the pain of blaming myself, the pain of feeling like a lesser person, every last justified feeling. I realize this is not going to be easy, I have been creating my own hell by allowing this bitterness. But after fourteen years, I’m finally opening up, I’m letting people know my life hasn’t been perfect. I have yet to completely tell anyone the story, but having people aware of my situation has been bringing forth the beginning of the peace and freedom I desire so much. God commands us to bless our enemies, and the idea of wishing my molester well has repulsed me all of my life. But I am slowly taking steps toward this. I have begged God to give me a love for this man, an agape love, not one that allows for what he did, but one that can forgive him. I have asked God to give me the ability to bless him. I do not wish for this man to go on living the way he is, but I want him to find God. I want to some day be able to drive past that house and not be a wreck for weeks. I want to someday be able to look into his face and say, “ I forgive you”, and mean it. This is what I want, and what I am working towards.
If your situation is like mine, if you are angry at someone, forgive them. You are not hurting the other person by remaining bitter. You are only hurting yourself. Let go of all the pain and bitterness. Freedom is found in forgiveness, a freedom that is so complete it is beyond words. Let God help you forgive, let him help you to be whole again. Don’t let your past and those who are in it control you, take control of your future, forgive those who have hurt you. I cannot promise it will be easy, but I can promise the end result is beautiful, inside and out.
Matthew 5:44 ESV But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…
It says about 11 of you follow this blog, and I’m not sure that’s exactly accurate because there are some spam bots I think. BUT! It would be amazing if any of you could submit your own stories or poems or music or anything about forgiveness so this blog can start become more relevant and a bit more alive.
My sophomore year of high school I shattered. I got so close to someone that without even realizing it I gave them my soul. Before my soul shattered, I was just getting accustomed to the wild of life kind of like how you wade into a cold swimming pool. I was playing with the idea of drugs, sex and alcohol, but afterwards I found myself in over my head. I was drowning and I couldn’t figure out how to stop.
Everything compounded. Depression and anxiety ruled my world.
I kept searching for something to bring me out of my self imposed isolation. I was terrified of being left to my own devices. I became someone different, so different that I was unrecognizable.
I tried to fill that void in my soul with intimacy, but all I got was cheap sex and a bigger void.
Pills didn’t fill the void, they only poisoned the rest.
I abused myself and I’ll carry the scars with me for the rest of my life.
After almost two years, I started to heal; but I never really forgave myself. Not until I talked to this one guy for a few hours at work. He made me realize some things no one had ever come close to before. Because of him I realized what happened. I got lost trying to hide my sins from people because I was afraid of their reactions. I dug myself deeper into the hole I had started. Before I was only teetering on the edge of that world, but then I fell into it face first. I was overwhelmed and made some screwed up choices that hurt a lot of people. In my pursuit of forgetfulness I lost a part of myself I wouldn’t get back for a long while later.
He told me that life is fucking hard and it made me realize that I can’t carry my past around with me all the time. I need to move on, but I have to be able to forgive myself first. I know that there are many people who probably won’t forgive me, but I can live with that because I forgive myself.
